This is long friends, I'm sorry. But I promise that it's good :)
One of my goals for this year was to write openly and honestly about my faith journey. I was afraid to for several reasons. I worried people might judge me. I worried that if I had a change of heart I’d appear to be a crazy person who can’t make a decision. I felt like so many of the spiritual experiences I’d had over the past months were so sacred to me that I didn’t want to air them. I have said so many things, many online, and I knew having a change of heart on a public forum might get sticky. I worried I wouldn’t be able to explain myself. Then, while in Texas I spoke to Jen and she encouraged me to blog about my experience. She reminded me that many people read my blog because of my faith story and that it would be a good thing to do. I felt courageous and so here we go.
In September of 2008 after I stopped attending the LDS church I went on with my life and never looked back. Things were fine for the most part and life was good. I had a hard first year out of college, which I think is pretty normal and found a good spiritual home back in the Catholic faith. If you’d asked me one thing I regretted I would tell you joining the Mormon faith, if you’d asked me one place you’d never find me ever again I would answer confidently, the Mormon church.
I was very angry for a long period of time. I commented on blogs, wrote entries, emailed way too much, commented on newspaper articles and so on and so on about my experiences. I was completely embittered and while my reactions weren’t appropriate I still believe after what I experienced mostly in Utah entitled me to being upset. The funny thing about anger though is that it is always a secondary emotion. Anger for me is usually the result of sadness. Instead of allowing myself to just be sad, which I feel is perfectly fine to be, I got angry and lashed out at perfectly nice people who genuinely loved their faith. I’ve made peace with many of the people who I got personal with and I’m grateful for the ability to apologize, forgive and move forward. I’m glad for the people who had the guts to call me out and remind me when I was crossing a line. At the same time I learned to forgive the people who had wronged me.
About a year ago I was speaking on the phone to my friend Lindsay. Until then we basically edited faith out of our conversations because we just had to agree to disagree. Lindsay is a strong, LDS woman who served a mission. One afternoon while talking I said to her, “you know, I’m not happy about it, but I’m not angry anymore.” I don’t know exactly what happened, but over time I stopped being angry and I just let it be. I made a sort of peace with it and moved on. It was nothing short of a miracle.
In April I had a very spiritual dream. I’m not going into details but it woke me suddenly and surprised me. The first thing I do when I wake up is check my phone. A friend who I wasn’t particularly close to but was still facebook friends with had e-mailed me an invitation to attend a LDS Easter concert. Still shaken from the dream but letting everything just be I accepted the invitation. The concert was lovely. I hadn’t stepped foot in a Church building in three years. People who I knew didn’t glare or whisper, they came up with smiles on their faces and asked me genuine questions and complemented me.
After my dream I felt compelled to reach out to the stake president who I had met with in August of 2008. By some luck of the draw my friend Beau still knew him and sent me his contact information. I called him one Saturday afternoon. He remembered me immediately and I spoke honestly with him about my positive experience at the concert and my dream, but now I needed to know if what I had been told about the “curse of Cain,” being Church doctrine was true or not. I needed to hear this from him. Back in the summer of 2008, before I left Provo I met with him and the rest of the my stake presidency about a quote a supervisor had shown me about interracial marriage. He told me that no, “curse of Cain” was not Church doctrine and the man who had told me that in the meeting was wrong. He had tried to reach out to me after but I had already moved back to Minnesota and he didn’t have my forwarding contact information. This of course changed everything. I remember Lindsay telling me this in the fall of 2008, but at the time I was still so angry I just couldn’t really hear it.
So began my slow and precarious walk back to Church. I started easy and still had moments where I was angry. However, they became fewer and farther inbetween and I started to feel a genuine peace in my life. I began telling a few close friends and K that I was contemplating returning to Church. I was so nervous to talk about it, but I realized that my wonderful friends, who love me, are honestly less concerned with the name of my Church than how I am doing. I was surprised by their support and kindness. I am so grateful for them.
Next came the point where I really had to decide. Like I said above, in 2008 I shut the door that was Church and began living a different life. Coming back to Church and following commandments would be a new change for me, and one that might be challenging. I continued to pray for clarity and the ability to overcome any obstacles I might face. Time was met with answered prayers and a growing faith in Church and the Lord’s commandments. For a long time I attended services at Jana’s ward and stayed there until I felt like it was the right time to start attending my single’s ward. I felt very reluctant to do so, but I decided to give it a try. It wasn’t easy, but I can say that it gets better every time I go. I’ve realigned my perspective and focus so much that what used to irritate me about that ward doesn’t and I can honestly say I love the people I go to church with.
By Christmas I had made the decision to truly put my heart into going back. I sat down and spoke to my parents separately, which was of course, scary for me to do. I think my dad thought it was funny. Making my decision felt great, but it certainly made for a unique New Year’s Eve without any alcohol. I still had an incredible evening, though. From my birthday to now has felt months long (in a good way,) probably because each day is so enriching for me. I am finally receiving answers to prayers and experiencing small miracles in my everyday life. I am so grateful to a God who allows agency and let’s us come to understanding in our own time, and of course, the savior Jesus Christ who has atoned for my sins. I am my best me, and I hope to keep growing in the right direction.
But, I’m sure you’re wondering how I still feel about the Church’s obvious history with race, or even women or homosexuality. I probably will never be at ease or “get” most of it. But for me, and this is a realization I came to after much spiritual work and growth (not settling, or heartbreak or split second decision making) I am okay with the past being the past. I can move forward. There are members of all backgrounds and political esteems. We can move forward. While the core values and faith tenants of the Church ring true to me there are certainly aspects that I don’t agree with. I love the Lord and his son Jesus Christ. I believe the Church is about three things: the atonement, families and the temple. The Church isn’t too complicated; it’s simple enough for an eight year old to decide if it’s true or not and get baptized and yet still captivating that I love learning about it everyday as a twenty five year old. I don’t want to get preoccupied with the minutia so I let it be. I let small minded bloggers who irate me be, I let a difficult history with race be and I let people who have hurt me in the past be.
I’m a strong woman. I’ve been through my fair share of hard times and I still feel grateful and happy every day. I’ve seen friends and boyfriends come and go. I still feel loved. I’ve come to terms and come to peace with my religion and I am so grateful for it.
I’m hoping to share more about this great part of my life with you, and I’m thankful for those who have been along for the ride. Thank you also for reading this incredibly long entry and sharing what has allowed me to thrive so much.
But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them--yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me. 1 Corinthians 15:10
