This is long friends, I'm sorry. But I promise that it's good :)
One of my goals for this year was to write openly and honestly about my faith journey. I was afraid to for several reasons. I worried people might judge me. I worried that if I had a change of heart I’d appear to be a crazy person who can’t make a decision. I felt like so many of the spiritual experiences I’d had over the past months were so sacred to me that I didn’t want to air them. I have said so many things, many online, and I knew having a change of heart on a public forum might get sticky. I worried I wouldn’t be able to explain myself. Then, while in Texas I spoke to Jen and she encouraged me to blog about my experience. She reminded me that many people read my blog because of my faith story and that it would be a good thing to do. I felt courageous and so here we go.
In September of 2008 after I stopped attending the LDS church I went on with my life and never looked back. Things were fine for the most part and life was good. I had a hard first year out of college, which I think is pretty normal and found a good spiritual home back in the Catholic faith. If you’d asked me one thing I regretted I would tell you joining the Mormon faith, if you’d asked me one place you’d never find me ever again I would answer confidently, the Mormon church.
I was very angry for a long period of time. I commented on blogs, wrote entries, emailed way too much, commented on newspaper articles and so on and so on about my experiences. I was completely embittered and while my reactions weren’t appropriate I still believe after what I experienced mostly in Utah entitled me to being upset. The funny thing about anger though is that it is always a secondary emotion. Anger for me is usually the result of sadness. Instead of allowing myself to just be sad, which I feel is perfectly fine to be, I got angry and lashed out at perfectly nice people who genuinely loved their faith. I’ve made peace with many of the people who I got personal with and I’m grateful for the ability to apologize, forgive and move forward. I’m glad for the people who had the guts to call me out and remind me when I was crossing a line. At the same time I learned to forgive the people who had wronged me.
About a year ago I was speaking on the phone to my friend Lindsay. Until then we basically edited faith out of our conversations because we just had to agree to disagree. Lindsay is a strong, LDS woman who served a mission. One afternoon while talking I said to her, “you know, I’m not happy about it, but I’m not angry anymore.” I don’t know exactly what happened, but over time I stopped being angry and I just let it be. I made a sort of peace with it and moved on. It was nothing short of a miracle.
In April I had a very spiritual dream. I’m not going into details but it woke me suddenly and surprised me. The first thing I do when I wake up is check my phone. A friend who I wasn’t particularly close to but was still facebook friends with had e-mailed me an invitation to attend a LDS Easter concert. Still shaken from the dream but letting everything just be I accepted the invitation. The concert was lovely. I hadn’t stepped foot in a Church building in three years. People who I knew didn’t glare or whisper, they came up with smiles on their faces and asked me genuine questions and complemented me.
