The thing is, I have realized that adult fears are worse than that. I'm gladly un-phased by dark, rough neighborhoods or suspicious people. I'm afraid of ordinary, everyday things or scenarios I formulate in my own mind:
I'm afraid I'll never marry and I'm afraid to be married (I'll be a bad wife or my marriage will fall apart.)
I'm afraid of having children and not having them (I'll be a bad mother.)
I'm afraid I'll lose my job, my cute apartment, that the rug could be ripped out from under me.
What's peculiar is my strong faith in God and Jesus. I can believe in beings I can't see, but I can't believe in daily life or that it will "all be alright." I can confidently say "He does all thins for good" or "His ways are not our ways" and "He makes beautiful things out of us." But then my dance with fear begins again.
There are no guarantees I told Becky one afternoon.
The admonition given the most in the Holy Scriptures is to fear not. My fear is what keeps me from being the Christian woman I want to be. How can I talk about the Holy Spirit, Jesus' atonement or God's love when I'm afraid?
The woman I want to be is never afraid, she's totally confident in her future and doesn't try to make sense of her past. I want to be her. I strive to be her.
I used to believe that satan's trick with me was loneliness, but it's really fear. Even when I'm not lonely I can still feel fear: fear my friends won't love me, my family will think I need to change or I've made the wrong choice.
When I pray about it I remember that I am loved dearly by friends who would do anything for me, that change isn't bad, that my co-workers love me, too and most of all God loves me and He doesn't want me to be afraid.
I have been through my share of bleak seasons and some beautiful ones, and while fear has always been with me and probably always will, so will love and with the help of my Savior I am trying to chose love over fear everyday.
