just sitting here

It's 1:15am here, and I'm lying in bed. I can't go to sleep. There's so much on my mind, and I hate to admit this but I am sad.

I hate, hate, hate self-pity.  I do not like admitting that things aren't going swimmingly. Because I really have so much to be happy about:
•my sorority, and the unconditional love I feel when I'm here
•the new calling in church that will enable me to use some of my communication skills
•a safe home and place to lie my head
•healthy, loving parents
•plans for a great spring break
•a good, safe job that pays well
•my healthy lifestyle

Yet when I look at things and add them up I still feel like I'm getting shorted:

I worked really, really hard and studied diligently for my first geology test to only find that I did terribly. This is very frustrating for me. And then to hear two girls behind me at lab saying, "yeah (giggle) I only went to lecture once and looked over the study guide the night before and I got a 75" is so infuriating. Meanwhile I am busting my bum to take awesome notes, making 80 flashcards, and attending every lecture. I am  really needing this class for my science requirement and hate that it is requiring so much effort that is not even worth it!

One of my close church friends is already on serious boyfriend three since she joined church a month after I did. I have yet to get anything past a second date. It is really, really, really hard not think there is something wrong with you when this is happening. And to make matters worse one of the people who interviewed me for the internship (who is from here and is black) told me during sort of a break part of the interview that she has never dated/gotten asked out by anyone in the church. I have no idea why she decided to tell me that. But, lady, you scared the hell out of me. I really don't know what kind of point she was trying to make, but that comment has really stuck with me-

I am so sick of the above situation(s) that I think it's fair to have a little pity for myself.

Comments

[EK]

I'm telling ya, wait till you get to BYU. The boys are going to be all over you. Seriously. :)

Sorry you're sad!

[teresa]

Katie, I love a good "Pity Party" every once in awhile...so go ahead and party! Then once that's over remember that as long as you're heading in the right direction things will fall in place, maybe not in our time, but in the right time.
There is someone out there for you, he is probably acing geology right now , but sure could use some help in his lit. classes :}

But I'm so with you on those girls in your geology class- what's with that? I sure have a lot of questions to be answered someday- :}
{sorry this was so long}

[katiewills]

Katie, it's so good to hear from you! I'm happy we got back in touch.

I know what it's like to feel like you need a good bout of self-pity, and my opinion is you should give in — for a time. Don't let it get the best of you! (And I agree with the first commenter — the boys are going to be all over you!)

I hope you had a good February for the most part and are on your way to a fantastic March. :) I'll keep checking back!

Love, Katiewills

[shan]

ugh -- I'm sorry you're not feeling so great. Sometimes life just stinks and people say stupid things. And I agree that pity parties are completely justifiable! For me, it usually takes writing it all down and then I can start moving on.

Hoping you have a better day/week!

[Shannon]

Aww Katie, I'm sending big ((hugs)) your way. Hang in there. It's okay to feel sad about what you do, it makes sense. But remember that none of these issues are permanent, or unchangeable, and they are bound to improve. So analyze what you need to, change what you can, and then pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back to sharing that beautiful smile of yours for all the world to see! I believe that so many wonderful things are going to take place for you Katie, I really do. And all this "prep" work you are doing right now that sometimes seems endless and tiring, will truly benefit you in the end. You will be a stronger, wiser more compassionate woman because of the things that you have faced. Your Prince Charming is out there, he is, and you will find him when the time is right. So don't let that lady scare you, who knows her story, but you my beautiful, talented and wise friend have nothing to worry about. I think you are going to be just fine :)

[Keya]

Katie I'm pretty sure when you go out to Utah you will meet plenty of men. You are very pretty, maybe that lady who is black is just not that attractive like you, or maybe her personality sucks when it comes to meeting men. Mr. Right will come in time, you are still young. As for your exam, those things happen sometimes, I'm pretty sure you'll do better on the next exam. Cheer up.

[kim in Camas - ScrapToMyLu]

The class thing would piss me off too, but it just may not be your cup of tea. Doesn't mean you are a poor student by any means.
And on the other. Don't rush it my dear. Great things take time. Enjoy the process, use this extra time to re-write your list of man qualifications. You're young, beautiful and talented.....but some days are just going to be rotten.....Hang in there. I'm sure there's a lesson in there somewhere.

[noelani]

so sent you an email!

[kelly mccaleb]

it's so funny- i always look back at the single college years and romanticize them, how much fun i was having, how free, etc.

but reading this took me right back to the reality of it- it sucked! life is always hard just in different ways and different stages.

keep on keepin on, you are awesome! it will happen! all of it!

[Brittany]

I soooo get what u're saying here. I'm one of those people who really has to work to get good grades, and it is always discouraging when someone else does better with little effort. I always have to remind myself that the work I do in this life counts eternally too, so even when others don't se it, God does. That helps me a lot.

And as for the guys thing... yea, I was in the youth group in Baton Rouge for 4 years and only dated one guy for 2 weeks and then I got the friend speech. Honestly, it is hard to meet guys in church (which bites because how else do u get a godly husband?)cuz everyone seems to be on pins and needles about the whole dating thing. But really, when u think about it, all relationships will end badly except for THE ONE, so u're just one step closer! Hehe.

[heidi]

yes, sometimes it just happens! but just try to think of it in the fact that you are moving in a few months and the Lord just doesn't want you to get into a serious relationship where you are now. i'm sure that doesn't help, so i'm sorry!