I met Matt when I was seventeen years old. That seems like a forever ago, and in many ways it was. My friend Alyx introduced us at a mutual friend's birthday party. We never thought of it, and in fact didn't even like each other. One year later, eighteen, and in need of a prom date Alyx called up that "tall blond boy" who I had no memory of. A few days later, when he showed up on my doorstop to hang out, I never would of suspected that he would play such a huge role in my life. (I'm warning you now readers, this is going to be a long post).
The spring of my senior year in high school was one of the most wonderful and also difficult times in my life. I literally lived in my own little world of Portland's west hills and really believed that nothing would ever change and all things would stay the same. After prom, a romance between him and I took root. I didn't even go for blonds, and thought Lake Oswego people were, well uh... but who was I to judge since the west hills are almost half as bad. But here I was, the self proclaimed "I don't want to date high school guys, college men are more mature" and "it would be silly to fall in love before leaving for college," miss figured-it-all-out-yesterday-thank-you-very-much doing exactly what she vowed she would not. Falling in love.
And I am still (after all the hurt and anguish) so thankful. He and I were the unstoppable team for, like, well almost forever. I started to believe that we could do this, and carve out a life for each other independent of our parents. Our parents who were not always supportive of our relationship. And yet summer came to an end and my heart literally broke. I slept for hours and hours. You know how some people eat when they are sad? Guess I'm blessed because I just sleep.
We moved an entire country away from each other. Me on the east coast, him on the west. We were determined to make it work. And don't get me wrong, hundreds of people come into college with their high school loves still in their lives, so I was not alone. I settled in and we kept it "open." We both made mistakes with other people, and I just was stupid and used boys to make him jealous. I was eighteen, and so you kind of have to give me that one.
And at Thanksgiving dinner we were so the,"in love beyond life" couple all over again. And when you love someone you trust them on a level that you have never trusted anyone else before. You tell them things about you that no one knows, you learn their secrets, their fears, their hopes. We'd stay up all night on the phone talking to each other. We had names for our kids picked out. We had our five year plan. We made lots and lots and lots of promises. Promises celebrated with a ring he gave me on my nineteenth birthday.
Slowly but surely our lives became almost as one. Our families got used to each other. I grew to be the daughter his parents never had. Dad even asked about Matt (once and a while). And our plan to be together was hatched. I had the days counted down until he was supposed to arrive in Minneapolis. My co-workers at the newspaper would walk by my desk and ask, "how many more days Katie?" And I would look at the picture above that sat in a wooden frame and say...
When he arrived he and I were both changed. We were not the eighteen year olds who had fallen in love with each other a summer before. We had been through almost too much struggle that first year at school and it had aged us. I was developing spiritually at a pace that was much too fast for him. And he was trying to carve out a life in a new place, a place he'd never been before.
For a long time it worked. It worked so well. We practically lived with each other (mistake #321 of the relationship). We were crazy, crazy, crazy about each other. He was positive, happy, and good. Then slowly things started to change. What had been something "casual" for him became something more, something addictive and damaging. And here I was too naive to understand.
His personality started to change. What had once been the most loving and kind person in my entire life started to do things to me that I would never imagine. He betrayed me, spoke cruel and unkind words behind my back. He caused me so much grief, and heartache. His apologies were recanted and then re-told and recanted. It was really as if there was "two" of him.
Still, ever the determined one- I was so there to make it work. In my HEART OF HEARTS I knew it was not going to get better. I allowed myself to sort of watch something fall, fall, fall, and get worse and worse. I am regretful of that. I am regretful of many things in the relationship, not for it.
And then at twenty and almost twenty one we realized that we were not on the same page. It was so dramatic. The morning after we broke up I brought the promise ring and the scrapbook of us to a coffee shop to meet him. We started balling at the table and left and cried for two hours on his futon together (it was so bad, we had to put on music so his roommates would not worry, and he was never a crier) and then fell asleep from sheer emotional egaushtion.
Then it was over. I had to literally pick myself up off the ground, and that sucked. That really, really, really sucked. I felt naked without him in my life, but something told me that it was okay. I became the person I had been before it all. Time passed, and I was happy, fine, and thankful.
Yesterday he came over at lunch time. His boxes were packed and he had a ticket home. We hugged each other and talked and aside from him offending me one more time, we managed a nice good-bye. And I hugged a person who was different, dark, and not the man I fell in love with. I will always believe that the wonderful, kind, and loving Matt I knew died a long time ago.
And today I felt accomplished for this chapter closing in my life. I feel prepared, and finally ready for what is next. And C said to me last night (ignorant to the events earlier) while the wind was blowing crazy, "you are beautiful and deserve a man who worships the ground you walk on." And I felt blessed.
