Creole Wisdom

hm, what to do?

Well I went to my first institute class last night.  It was good, and a nice escape from my usual Tuesday evening boredom.  Met a nice guy named Braxton, he was funny, "You know Braxton like 'Tony Braxton'" he said.  LOL.

But here's the deal.  I am so not ready to date exclusively for a long time, and you know,  I'm a damn good communicator.  I like going out, but I'm still very much reeling from the Matt stuff, and yes I still love him (does not mean I want to be with him, but I love him/what we were/what we could of become just the same, and probably will for a little while). 

Anyway, my friend Sam.  We went out last week.  Here's the thing: he is so, so nice (almost too nice), and very "perfect" if you will, but I am totally unatracted to him.  It's not just about the looks it's sort of the whole package.  Maybe I'm just a little on edge right now, but after my Joe-chair-arm situation I think it's okay to be.

Recap of our Wednesday lunch last week: Sam took me downtown to Macy's and bought me an (eek) $10 lunch at the Skyroom.  We talked, eat, had a nice time.  Then we went and checked out some of the downtown shops.   I was not feeling the connection.   

This morning around 8:30 I get a text from him: "Katie, I want to take you out after you French class today."  I had to say no.

I don't know what to do readers.  Maybe he's just interested in me as a friend, but I am just getting a different vibe.  Do men "get" the friends thing?

I am so rusty.

Update: so I just got home from class a few moments ago, read your comments and called Sam up.

Here's what I said, "Hi Sam, I just thought I should call you up today.  I want to be completely honest with you.  I dated Matt for almost two years, and even though I know that we're not meant to be together, I still love and care for him.  This is really not a very good time for me, and I like going on dates, but can't do anything exclusive right now.  I am really enjoying getting to know you and value your friendship." 

Keep in mind the whole time he's nearly silent, and he's a talkative guy.  So I wondered (hoped) that maybe perhaps he just wanted to be friends, too.  So I said, "and I could be so wrong from where I'm coming from" (no response... eek).  He did say "okay" and "alright."  And I made sure to end with, "and I hope that we can keep being buddies and I'll see you Sunday!"  I hope he understands.

c'est moi

Okay, so let's talk about self-portraits for a few minutes, and since when did they become so hard to do.  Literally last year was my magic camera time.  All I did was pop up the tripod, set to timer, and look perfectly dewy with Jay, Arlene, or Matt on some perfect Bronxville or Lake Oswego spot.  And to think, I knew 1/2 of what I know now.  This is a process, no?

Note to self: don't wear stripes.  I know they go crazy in pictures, I realize this, and yet here I am in my new favorite shirt from gap.  I am too lazy to change tops. 

On the positive: I love neck/back shots.  I know it's kind of weird, but that part of the body is very vulnerable, beautiful to me.  It is neat to see, especially since my hair is usually down and who sees their neck anyway?

On the strange: what am I doing with the pillow?  LMBO.  And I could smile, or try to look happy?  I'm really a happy, joyful person.  I think I only smile for boys or something.  Hmm.

Did homework with Matt today, and told him my news (see previous post).  Aside from Jay and you all here he's the first person outside of church to know.  Strange who we decide to share our news with.  The parents should be interesting.  I am stubborn (it's the German in me), you cannot convince me otherwise and that's how it's been since I came out of the womb. 

And I am in complete denial over this major winter blizzard thing.  Weather.com had a big red warning box when I visited this morning, but I sort of rolled my eyes.  Snow after Christmas is not noticeable.  Plus, in a few short weeks I'll be walking on (hopefully snow-less) sparkly (yes) pavement.

a full fledged spiritual post...

Now bear with me, because this is a longer post, but I promise you it's worth reading.

My entire life, since I can recall I always had a very close relationship with God.  I felt him in my everyday and knew, believed in him.  I was raised Catholic, and went through the entire Catholic education program (Wednesday night evenings) and mom dutifully took me to mass every Sunday.  My experiences at the parish I attended when I was young were not perfect, ideal.  Our priest was sort of racist, and I remember some of the comments he made.  It was enough to make me dislike church.

However, as I grew my relationship with God grew and matured as well.  I've always been an avid prayer and haven't missed a night in a long, long time.  High school was great because I was at St. Mary's and it was so fun, and we had these great religious ed classes that taught values and increased biblical knowledge. 

The church I went to in high school was actually worse than the racist priest from my childhood.  These were cafeteria Catholics at their best.  And, of course, I was totally turned off from that.  Still, I felt happy with my relationship with God and my spiritual experiences.  As a freshman I went through the confirmation program and as a junior acted as a sponsor for my good friend Natalie.

As a senior though, things began to change.  I stopped attending the crazy church and began opening my mind to other paths.  I sort of stumbled upon the LDS church and met with the sister missionaries several times.  Things were going well, I had read the Book of Mormon, and knew it was scripture.  However, I was not quite at the point to get baptized.

The ward in my area, skyline ward, was probably one of the best things that ever happened to me.  A great family sort of "adopted" me and I sat with them every week.  It was wonderful, and I never had felt more "at home" so to speak.

Months went by  and I  continued to learn the lessons, and in the meantime grew to be very close with Sister Ott (my beloved LIndsey).  She was transfered and my crazy life as a second semester senior started.  I met Matt and started dating, and was getting ready to move to New York for school.

I was your average college freshman living my life, having fun, and not really thinking about church.  But it kept creeping back into my life.  I still prayed, and one day while walking to the library (in perfect autumn Sarah Lawrence) I saw the missionaries.  For a few weeks before break I went to church in Westchester.  It was great, but I just didn't feel like all the pieces were together.

My life was very much focused on Matt and he disagreed with my very spiritual life, and so I focused my mind on other things- which was not wise.  For a long time I'd creep on the church website, talk about it with Jay, and even went to church here in November.  Even after two moves (Portland to New York and New York to Minnesota) I still felt a calling to go back to church. 

Of course there were things I worried about off and on, but in my mind I always played with the idea of  becoming a member.  I know now that the church is true, and  it's going to be the right choice for me.  Of course I'm afraid in some aspects, but  I realize that  finally, for once, I should do something that I want in my life. 

So, after two years of on and off investigating I've placed a baptism date for March 31st.  I'm looking forward to this, and am hopeful for my future life.  I really owe it all to Lindsey and Jay.  It was Lindsey who kept talking to me and encouraging me, and of course Jay is my sister and loves me unconditionally and has encouraged me as well.  Most of all I'm thankful to HF that I now have the strength to do this. 

new york, love

Jay + Me + New York = love.

Here are the top visit sites as of 10am this morning.  Okay, you know I am really a shame, having lived 20 minutes from New York last  year... and yet I've never been to any of the following!

Serendipity: of course because, they are supposed to have the best frozen hot chocolate.  

ABC carpet + home: please check out this link.  Every person should go to the Heaven of home decorating even if they don't own a home... just to look!
 
Empire State Building: I have wanted to go up to the top for so long, and I think going at  night would yeild the best pictures, no?
 
Magnolia Bakery: duh, and just like me I really want to just take pictures of the place, and thank god because my waist would not be small if I didn't just go to bakeries for pictures.
 
Kate's Paperie: This is where the cool NYC scrapbookers shop.
 

Now, don't you think it's rather appropriate that I buy a few of the above?  After all, my mom does call me Kate even though my name is Katherine/Katie.  Perhaps one would be perfect for my spiritual journal once my dear quad comes (hurry up Deseret Book!)

NYC LDS temple: Yes, and hopefully their visitor's center will be open.  If  not at least I can get some pictures outside...

MET: Love it.  I went to MOMA last spring, and it was not "me."  I love me some classical art.  Cannot wait to go... and of course raid the gift shop.

New York, Jay... cannot wait to see you both!

start the countdown!

I am thrilled, beyond measure.  In about one month I'll get to see my very best friend/sister seperated at birth; the one, the only... Miss J Henry!

Jay inspires me so much in my everyday.  She's one of those people that you think about before making a decision.  Ladies (... and, well Ladies, because no men read this blog) I give you Jay...

Jay is a domestic queen.  She bakes perfect southern pound cakes in Polo slides and a cable knit sweater. 

Jay is the best big sister to her wonderful little six year old brother.  She's already an excellent mother.

Jay could crack you up so hard you might pee.   She can keep you up all  night and the next day your stomach will pay for it.  She's a hoot.

Brillance and political savvyness- that is Miss Jay.  She's taught me so much, and doesn't take any of the crazy cr*p some of those Sarah Lawrence kids dish out.

Jay is a wonderful Christian.  She prays, she attends church, reads the gospel and lives her life according to.  Jay creeps out her majorly liberal hall mates with pictures of Christ on her wall (the crown of thorns one!)

Jay tells it like it is.  She holds nothing back and is honest when you need honesty.  She will call you out of your cloud of delusion if necessary.  But, Jay will never tell you what to do...

Jay loves my crazy haikus on her facebook wall regarding hmmm "girl" problems ; )

Most of all, Jay is supportive.  She says the most hilarious, fabulous, crazy things and I love her to death-

Some favorite Jay quotes:

"Forget pistol, I would of spatula whipped her!" (November 2006)

"Please, go find yourself a cute Mormon guy and settle down!" (last week)

"Girllll.... that's a mess, that's a HOT mess" (various)

Jay and I are going to find (almost) perfect men, get married, have kids at the same time, and live next door to each other!

1/2 population...

Yes, a good 1/2 of the population are men.  I'd have a fun statistic for you, but the US census website is truly lacking in the search engine department.

Sadly, I really never realized how many men were out there.  When you date for a long time you tend to forget... forget a lot of things. 

Currently, considering my recent situation I don't want to date exclusively for a while (please note the italics).  I need a little break, but it is so nice to get to know a few other people for a change?  Where were all these guys?  Did they hide out somewhere?  Probably, I was just unwilling to see them.

Now a little re-cap of my boy filled weekend!

Saturday:
Joe (my formal date from December) came over and we made cookies (for my sweetheart campaign) and watched Radio on TV.  Then we broke out the popcorn and decided to make it a night in and popped in Little Rascals.   It was nice to actually  talk to someone about all the  ex-bf drama, and I really thought Joe was on the same page... until he tried to put his arm around me.  Eeek.  Akward.  Just wanna be friends...

How did I handle it?  Now, I'm not an akaward person by any streach of the imagination, but when it comes to boys I'm a little rusty.  5 seconds after the arm movement I decided I needed to "get up and get a drink" and then popped into the chair across from where he was.   I said, "I just love this chair so much, it really is more comfortable than the couch." ; )

Sunday (today):
I got up early and went to church for the first time since November.  It's been something I've needed to do, and another post regarding all that jazz to follow, because this is a boys post after all...

First I was almost late for RS because of my long conversation with Nick about studying abroad.  Which I'm thinking I might just have to do!

After  the meetings there was a Chinese potluck and one of the guys I had met back in November and I started talking.  Eventually he and his 4 other friends invited me back to hang out at their place and watch a movie.  Nice, nice guys. 

Practically the whole time I was talking to Sam.  We all sat, on their (kind of stinky) couch and munched on pizza and ice cream.  I napped in and out of the movie (The Davinci Code) and chatted on and on.  When Sam and I were upstairs compiling a snack he said, "and this is how Sundays are supposed to be."  Amen to that.   I ended up leaving happy and with a new scripture case that one of the other guys, Brandon, gave to me (NICE!)  Then Sam ended up taking me back to my place and we talked politics for about twenty minutes.  After he invited me to go out to lunch on Wednesday. 

Should be a pretty busy week I'm thinking!

ETA: did you know that Mac is now offering some really COOL LDS software?  Yes, indeed!  Now, how cool is that?   Yet another example of how God is good... 

it's that time of year again...

...  For spring shopping.  Okay, so usually Anthropology is a bit "much" for me.  I am not Bohemian by any stretch of the imagination, but I am not Barbara Bush, either, thus I form a happy medium of Miss Katie.

Okay, here is outfit one:

Those shorts are so yummy.  It's what drew me to the outfit immediately.  They are so cute, I love the button details, and they are not so bad for anthropology price-wise ($78).  The top is really feminine, and I'm not positive I'd do it, but the under camisole is very delicate.  Do I mention I like flats?  I usually find them really cheap, they are such a fun girly piece.  I remember senior year (spring 2005) when flats were so in.  I had a picture of mischa barton wearing them in my locker and when JCrew launched their Manhattan Flat  I freaked out.  I owned that pair of shoes and wore them out completely.  I wish JCrew would bring that exact design back.  They were pricey, but oh so worth it...

Next:

Now these shoes are a toss up, not really my style, but the dress!  Ahh so cute.  I love pink and white, white is really one of my favorite spring/summer colors.  And you know this dress would look so cute over a pale pink shade under t, which I already own, thank you very much.  It's so delicate and I think I'd pair is with green glace jewelry (if I had any).

Currently I'm awaiting my BE order from Sephora, and I'm excited to try "glee."   I recently threw out my 4 month old mascara (they say you really should) and got some new stuff from maybeline.  So far I really like it, and need to make a note of always using primer (the white stuff).   And what terrible luck I have, my lashes are NOT curly, so I need to buy a good eye lash curler.  Should I try a heated one?  (do they even make those???)  If you have any recommends let me know. I'd be pressed to guess that holding a hot hair dryer in front of my eyes while I use a curler from 1997 is probably not so good. 

weird

Yeah, so today sucks.  There's no way of getting around it. 

I've been busy: working on class projects, sorority stuff, my sweetheart campaign at sigma chi, and of course attempting to make sense of this very mixed up situation.

We're going out to dinner tonight.  I know, I know.  And initially on Friday our reservations were supposed to be canceled.  However, I do think it would be kind of weird, giving the time we did date not to do something today.  I wrote him a nice card, hopefully he can think about the message and let it soak in.

My mom and I met up for lunch today.  We talked.  She told me about how she knew Matt had a X problem for some time, and reveiled new knowledge.  I suppose things are all coming clear to me now.  When I spoke to his mom today she affirmed that he had started struggling with X in high school, my news wasn't "news" to her.  All the strange behavior, the talking behind my back with the ex-roommate in November, mood changes, health issues, and a host of little things.  Of course the genetic predisposition doesn't help much.  I started noticing something odd in November, and I'm sure because of the long distance thing it was happening before I even knew it.  People are good at hiding stuff, and people are good at avoiding something when they love someone dearly.  Our schedules are opposite this semester and so things got much worse because we never saw each other at night, and I know he was probably getting deeper and deeper into the problem when I wasn't around. 

Whew.  So I debated sharing all of that above paragraph.  Yes, things are not always what they seem, no?  But if you want more details shoot me and e-mail and we can chat, so many of you have been very supportive with multiple e-mails and kind comments... thank you.

This has been hard, and weird. 

sad

More boyfriend drama.  Sigh.  It's such a letdown. Since when did men become so complicated?  So last night we broke it off.  He went home (after I had cooked him salmon, of course), and I went and cleaned/cried.  Such a bad, icky situation with so many emotions running through my mind.

This morning I felt better.  Everyone was calling me, talking, and I got quite a bit of work done.  I filled a bag of Matt's stuff and we planned to meet at a cafe near his apartment.  I walked in, he kept looking at me while I was ordering at the counter, and when I sat down he started crying.

Now one thing about me is that I'm adverse to pdas/displays of vulnerability in public.  I told him, "let's go back to your place and talk.  I don't want us crying in public."  So we went back.  Cried more, talked.  He is just so confusing at times.  Never knowing what he wants, and sadly I'm tried of all the ups and downs.  We made a pretty good agreement.  It certainly is not being "single," but it's fair to say it's a break.  No matter what we're still such a huge part of each other's lives.   

20 things for 20 years

I saw this on someone else's blog, and so I had to try it.  Here ya go:

1) I always wear my  hair the same.  I'm kind of boring.  Either it's down or up in a clip.  Occasionally, much to Matt's joy I wear it in pigtails, but I feel/look juvenile then!  My curls did not come in until I was 2, and before that I looked like a boy.
2) Having gone through two ipods already I was sadden to have to purchase another last week!
3) Breakfast.  I eat it everyday.  Bagel, cereal, or toast and always tea.
4) Sometimes I sing songs from Phantom of the Opera, but only when no one is home.  My favorite one to sing is "Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again."
5) I am good at cleaning, but have yet to learn the best way to do the tub.  Any advice?
6) My skin gets very dry, so I go through a lot of lotion.
7) Every birthday my mom bakes me a German Chocolate Cake, from scratch.
8) I love, love, love toile.  My covers are toile!  My curtains last year were toile.  Wish my walls were toile!
9) The only plant I own is a mini cactus.  I am  not good at remembering to water it, which is okay, because it's a cactus.
10) For the past month I've worn my long underwear everyday.
11) I played the violin for 7 years.
12) I always wanted to play the piano, and finally did, for 3 years in high school.
13) Fall is my favorite season.  I love the fall colors.
14) Weird things make me cry.  Like shows on the animal planet where the loyal lab saves the family.  That being said other people crying makes me really uncomfortable.  Eeek, awkward.
15) Loud/talkative/excitable men drive me crazy.  I like my quiet, contemplative, blond boyfriend!
16) Life without Internet access is my version of hell.
17) I laugh at inappropriate times, like during Monday night meeting.  I remember funny things I watched on TV!
18) I started scrapbooking in High School. 
19) I met my boyfriend in high school, at a party of a mutual friend's, who just happened to be a girl he had dated for a hot minute.  I thought he was rude, he thought I was snobby.  The next summer we fell in love.  hmm.
20) My best friend in the whole wide world is Jenee Henry.  She's the best thing that ever happened to me.  She is hilarious, kind, and full of good information